Horrible Networking Tips for People Who Hate Networking

Always getting in the way of the real work that needs to be done, there is a social obligation to attend these meaningless occasions. And now that the summer is here, the networking events seem to be happening every other day making it impossible to keep up with the constant bombardment of tasks. 

And if you have a family? Well say goodbye to the kids in spring and tell them you’ll have time again in fall.

I mean, how do people manage to stand in the sweltering heat, pretending to smile when in the back of their mind they have a thousand to-dos and commitments screaming for attention? With the free alcohol? - Great idea! - That will help my productivity sore to new heights when I wake up tomorrow with a head that feels like it spent the night in a concrete mixer.

It’s excruciatingly torturous people! 

All your efforts of showing ingenuine interest in other people are completely wasted - the only reason they are there is to keep alive their own hopeful dreams of staying professionally relevant. If they had anything better to do (say, real work), they wouldn’t find themselves at such pointless events trying to prove their value to the world. They would be off getting things done.

So why waste your precious time mingling with the other deadbeats of the business world?

Because it might just be, that the next event is that one-off exception where someone with golden pockets notices, for some strange reason (probably due to the free alcohol), that your underachieving, lazy arse might actually have something to offer to the world. Go figure!

So let’s make sure you’re damn well ready for it!

Read on as I try to answer the most common questions posed by the networking haters of the world and you’ll discover tips and tricks on how to make great impressions at every event you attend.

And if you love networking? just turn all the advice on its head and enjoy the ride. You might get something useful out of it too ;-)

- How can a few tips help me network better?

Let me see.

First, let’s define the word network:

noun: a system of interconnected lines or pipes, especially one used for the distribution of water, gas, oil, or other fluid substances.

verb: connect (people or things) with each other in a network.

- What does that even mean? Do I need to bring my own water and oil? What if I don’t have any water or oil?

No worries, that’s what these tips are for!

1. Make sure you have plenty of water and oil with you before networking; small talk is important and nobody likes a dry conversation.

2. Try to be as fluid as possible. The more natural you sound, the better.

3. Connect with as many people as possible. The more the merrier!

4. Be sure to follow up with everyone you meet. You never know when you’ll run out of oil again and need someone’s help.

5. And last but not least, have fun! Networking can be a lot of work, but it’s also a great opportunity to get drunk and have a dance - everybody loves the life of the party.

- What if I'm not good at small talk?

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you're still a valuable member of society, even if you can't make small talk. But just in case you're not, I have some tips for you!

Find the people who share your interests and then avoid them at all cost - They are only there to steal ideas from people like you and will only bring you down. Stay away and don't let them corner you into a conversation. If they do, keep your mouth shut and they'll eventually leave you alone out of pure boredom.

Instead, find people who have nothing in common with you and pretend to be interested in them. This is how you can really improve your small talk. It's hard work to fake a smile and talk to boring people but at least you're getting a free lesson in people skills. And if they catch on to your lack of genuine interest, offer to get them a beer and don't come back.

If you're just having one of your normally bad days where everything fails, just fake it till you make it. Chances are, no one will even notice that you're not good at small talk. And if they do, they'll probably just think you're weird and avoid you anyway.

And finally, if you are so weird and antisocial that you never have luck finding people to talk to, you can always try attending anti-networking events. There, you'll find plenty of people who hate networking, and you can bond over your shared hatred of small talk.

- What if I don't know anyone at the anti-networking event?

Don't worry, you'll be just fine! I'm sure you'll meet plenty of “interesting” people who share your hatred of networking. Just be yourself and start conversations with anyone who seems unfriendly. I'm sure you'll make some great friends in no time!

- Isn't networking just about selling yourself?

Of course, it is! And most people are just as selfish as you too. Nevertheless, networking can be a great way to get ahead in life - if you do it right. If you go into a networking event with the sole purpose of selling yourself, then you're going to have a great time. However, if you want to actually make meaningful connections, then you're going to have to put in a bit of effort.

Here are a few tips:

1. Don't introduce yourself - It's always awkward walking into a room full of strangers, so why put yourself into any situation where you might put your foot in it? Just act like you know everyone and they'll all be impressed by your confidence.

2. Forget business cards - They’re a waste of money and nobody’s interested anyway. Your business card says nothing relevant about you and nobody’s really interested in anything but themselves anyway. so make sure you don't hand them out.

3. Smile and nod - It's really important that you look like you're paying attention, even if you're actually dreaming about unicorns and fairy floss. Nodding shows that you're engaged in the conversation and smiling makes you seem friendly and approachable.

4. Don't talk about your work - Nobody cares. The only thing worse than talking about yourself is talking about your work. It's boring and it makes you look like you don't have a life outside of work (which is probably true). So just avoid the topic altogether.

5. Find common ground - This is probably the most important tip. I recommend beer. Everybody likes beer, so find somebody who's drinking beer and talk to them about beer. If you can't find anything else in common, then just make something up. That’s the magic of beer!

3. Get straight to the point - Time is precious, so get to the point as quickly as possible. No small talk or pleasantries, just state what you do and what you're looking for. People will appreciate your directness and make time for you.

4. Offer something for free - Everybody loves free. Just make sure that you have some hidden charges that people are committed to upon accepting your offer. If they’re unhappy about it, who cares? It’s their problem now. Just don’t forget to smile when taking their money - Everybody also loves a smile.

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So there you have it! Networking for dummies made easy - Even if you can’t network to save yourself, there is still hope for you yet.

If you want to make meaningful connections at your next networking (or anti-networking) event, just follow these simple tips and you'll be sure to stand out from the crowd. 

Be sure to forget your business cards, smile and nod politely (even if you don’t have anything in common), and most importantly - drink beer and find common ground. 

And if all else fails, offer something for free! Who doesn't love free? Just don't forget to smile when taking their money.

Now go out there and start networking! It'll be a breeze.

Have fun, good luck and happy networking!