Networking is one of life’s constant hassles. Always getting in the way of the real work that needs to be done, there is a social obligation to attend these meaningless occasions. And now that the summer is here, the networking events seem to be happening every other day making it impossible to keep up with the constant bombardment of tasks.
And if you have a family? Well say goodbye to the kids in spring and tell them you’ll have time again in fall.
I mean, how do people manage to stand in the sweltering heat, pretending to smile when in the back of their mind they have a thousand to-dos and commitments screaming for attention? With the free alcohol? – Great idea! – That will help my productivity sore to new heights when I wake up tomorrow with a head that feels like it spent the night in a concrete mixer.
It’s excruciatingly torturous people!
All your efforts of showing ingenuine interest in other people are completely wasted – the only reason they are there is to keep alive their own hopeful dreams of staying professionally relevant. If they had anything better to do (say, real work), they wouldn’t find themselves at such pointless events trying to prove their value to the world. They would be off getting things done.
So why waste your precious time mingling with the other deadbeats of the business world?
Because it might just be, that the next event is that one-off exception where someone with golden pockets notices, for some strange reason (probably due to the free alcohol), that your underachieving, lazy arse might actually have something to offer to the world. Go figure!
So let’s make sure you’re damn well ready for it!
Read on as I try to answer the most common questions posed by the networking haters of the world and you’ll discover tips and tricks on how to make great impressions at every event you attend.
And if you love networking? just turn all the advice on its head and enjoy the ride. You might get something useful out of it too 😉
Horrible Networking Tips
How can a few tips help me network better?
First, let’s define the word network:
- Noun: A system of interconnected lines or pipes, especially one used for the distribution of water, gas, oil, or other fluid substances.
- Verb: Connect (people or things) with each other in a network.
- What does that even mean? Do I need to bring my own water and oil? What if I don’t have any water or oil?
No worries, that’s what these tips are for!
- Bring Water and Oil: Small talk is important and nobody likes a dry conversation.
- Be Fluid: The more natural you sound, the better.
- Connect with Everyone: The more, the merrier!
- Follow Up: You never know when you’ll run out of oil and need help.
- Have Fun: Networking can be hard, but it’s also a great chance to enjoy free drinks and a dance.
What if I’m not good at small talk?
- Find people who share your interests and avoid them at all costs. They’re only there to steal ideas.
- Engage with people who have nothing in common with you. It’s hard work to fake a smile, but at least you’ll get practice.
- If you’re having a bad day, fake it till you make it. Most people won’t notice.
- Attend anti-networking events. You’ll find plenty of people who hate networking as much as you do.
What if I don’t know anyone at the anti-networking event?
Don’t worry! Just be yourself and start conversations with anyone who seems unfriendly. You’ll bond over your shared hatred of networking.
Isn’t networking just about selling yourself?
Yes, it is! But if you want meaningful connections, you’ll need to put in some effort. Here are a few tips:
- Don’t Introduce Yourself: Act like you know everyone; they’ll be impressed by your confidence.
- Forget Business Cards: Nobody cares about them. Your presence is what matters.
- Smile and Nod: Even if you’re daydreaming, look engaged.
- Don’t Talk About Work: It’s boring. Find common ground instead.
The Best (or Worst) Networking Strategies
- Get Straight to the Point: Skip small talk and get to what you need.
- Offer Something for Free: People love free stuff. Just ensure there are hidden charges.
So there you have it! Networking for dummies made easy. Even if you can’t network to save yourself, there is still hope for you yet.
If you want to make meaningful connections at your next networking (or anti-networking) event, just follow these simple tips and you’ll be sure to stand out from the crowd.
Be sure to forget your business cards, smile and nod politely (even if you don’t have anything in common), and most importantly – drink beer and find common ground.
And if all else fails, offer something for free! Who doesn’t love free? Just don’t forget to smile when taking their money.
Now go out there and start networking! It’ll be a breeze.
Have fun, good luck and happy networking!